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Lucy Corry

The Mother Of All Conversations

MIRROR, MIRROR

Tannen says talking about "the big three" - hair, clothes and weight - is a minefield for most mothers and daughters.

One interviewee told her that "my mother's eyesight is failing but she can still spot a pimple from across the room", while nearly all the women she spoke to said their mothers frequently commented on their hair.

"Mothers subject their daughters to a level of scrutiny people usually reserve for themselves," Tannen says. "Who thinks a pimple is the biggest thing ever? You do - and so does your mother."

If your mother comments on your hair or clothes rather than your achievements it's not necessarily because she thinks looks are paramount, Tannen explains - it's simply because women are judged by appearances.

"If a young woman leaves the house looking a fright, people ask, 'Why did her mother let her go out like that?', not 'why did her father'.

"It's a way you think you could be helpful," Tannen continues. "A mother might feel she can't help you achieve something at work, but she can tell you how to do your hair."

Mothers who learn to replace their words of 'advice' with praise or encouragement may find their daughters are more receptive to listening, while understanding that mum means well - even if it doesn't always translate - can make a world of difference to daughters, Tannen says.

"It's such a big breakthrough to realise words can mean more than one thing."

NAVIGATING THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER MINEFIELD

GMTV relationship coach
Gladeana McMahon

Mad at your mum? Dumbfounded by your daughter? GMTV relationship coach Gladeana McMahon has the following tips

FOR MUMS

LEARN TO LET GO "Being a mum is about giving up your control as the child gets older," McMahon says.

"It's not an easy thing to do because you brought this little one up from a baby and you want to protect them, but you have to treat them as a person in their own right."

MIND YOUR LANGUAGE Think of the language you use. "Most of us say, 'Don't do that, it's crazy'. Instead, say, 'Sweetheart, I have a concern to share with you'," McMahon says.

KEEP YOUR COUNSEL Whether you think she looks terrible in skinny jeans or you hate her new boyfriend, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

"Don't say the new boyfriend is awful - she will only be more determined to go out with him. Say, 'He's nice enough, but I wonder if he's exciting enough for you'," McMahon says.

"Let her learn. The wise parent is the one who says, 'I hated him really, but I never would have told her that'."

FOR DAUGHTERS

You're Wearing That?
Understanding Mothers And
Daughters In Conversation, by
Deborah Tannen, is published
by Virago Press

SHE LOVES YOU REALLY McMahon says all that nagging does have a purpose.

"Please remember your mum is only doing it because she loves you - she just might not say things in the right way."

KEEP YOUR COOL She might make your blood boil, but it's best to stay calm.

"Try not to rise to the bait," McMahon says. "Say, 'Mum, I accept you are worried and you want the best for me, but...'. Don't rant and rave - you'll both end up ranting and raving at each other."

DON'T DRAG DAD IN It might be tempting to try and get dad on your side, but McMahon counsels against it.

"Remember that your dad wants to keep you both happy, the last thing he wants is to take sides. If he doesn't totally agree with you, he's not letting you down. Sometimes dads want to just stay out of it!"

You're Wearing That? Understanding Mothers And Daughters In Conversation, by Deborah Tannen, is published by Virago Press. Available from Thursday June 1.

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