''A Matter of Necessity''
by Neely Steinberg
Plato once wrote “necessity is the mother of invention.” I was willing to bet my life savings that it was a single woman who initially spoke these words, but several minutes of internet sleuthing proved my suspicions incorrect.
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Though Plato’s quote was in regards to Socrates’s and Adeimantus’s discussions about the origin of the State, when taken out of context, I couldn’t help but relate the famous quote to the world of dating and relationships.
Surely, as a matter of necessity, humans have always felt the need to believe in something. This “necessity” can take different forms of invention. For example, the adult who doesn’t want to feel so alone in the world might look to God and religion to provide comfort. The child, who seems to have trouble making real friends, might invent imaginary pals as a way of coping with loneliness. And maybe, just maybe, when applied to dating, a woman would go so far as to invent a relationship to satisfy her inherent need for romantic love. Moreover, is it possible that a woman would go a step further and pretend that an unhealthy, half-hearted relationship had a chance of beating the odds simply because of this necessity? After reflecting on some of my past troubled “relationships” as well as being witness to my friends’ unsuccessful romances, I had to wonder, were we all just playing pretend as a way to avoid reality?
Case in point: a woman stays way too long with a deadbeat guy who either treats her badly or strings her along while having no intention of ever becoming committed to her. Sadly and far too often, the woman stays with this man, refusing to acknowledge the hindrances that he poses to a loving, committed, and healthy relationship. Her desire to go on pretending is stronger than the little woman’s voice inside of her that is screaming, “DUMP HIM!” And as the sage-like Cosmo Kramer once told Jerry in an episode of Seinfeld, “the little [wo]man knows all.” Unfortunately, the woman in this aforementioned scenario never saw that episode.
''So why did
I choose
to
stay involved with
this man after
a year
of the
constant
relationship
roller coaster?'' |
Listening to your gut can be hard though, as there are certain necessities (other than sanity, which you have clearly agreed to relinquish by pursuing a man of such character) that are tugging at your heart. I am certainly no exception to this kind of circumstance.
I once “dated” a guy who I knew – subconsciously – had no intention of ever being with me; despite my intuition, I was willing to pretend that maybe someday he’d come around. Everyone close to me knew the relationship was headed for “nowhereville,” but I was so immersed by this pretend connection that I could not see the forest for the trees. I was content playing pretend and inventing a fantasy world of things that would never happen and words that would never be spoken. I wanted the fairy tale, and I somehow convinced myself that this guy could give it to me. Every time we’d have a fight or break things off, I imagined myself coming home to him sitting on my doorstep, roses in hand with an “I love you” on the tip of his tongue. Every time we slept together, I imagined what it would be like for him to hold me in his arms and look me in the eyes and tell me he couldn’t be without me. Every time he gave me an inch, I pretended it was a mile. But the truth was that there was no doorstep encounter, post-coital bliss consisted of a turned back and blanket hogging, and the inches were more like millimeters (if that). How many miserable situations would I put myself through with this guy before I would be willing to step outside my pretend world and face the harsh light of reality? When would I finally stop making excuses for his behavior? “He’s been through so much hurt before he met me, so I’ll just be patient and show that I can be unconditional with him, and that’s when he’ll admit his real feelings for me,” I thought.
So why did I choose to stay involved with this man after a year of the constant relationship roller coaster? Perhaps I invented this relationship as a way to avoid being completely single. If I had someone to think about and pretend that it could happen with, I wouldn’t have to go back to the drawing board and start all over again; I wouldn’t have to be alone. I needed the love of a man, so I invented a boyfriend for myself. I pretended that he cared for me more than he did. I pretended that the relationship was headed somewhere blissful when in reality the only place it was headed was somewhere very tragic. In my situation with this man, Plato’s words surely rang true.
It has taken me some time to heal from that relationship. It was unhealthy and energy-sapping to say the least, but over the past several months, since its demise, I have resolved to put myself back out there. And by “there,” I mean the dating scene. Though it’s not always easy being single (in fact, it can be quite brutal at times), I continually find inspiration and hope in the world around me, sometimes in the oddest of places.
The other day, I was watching Anne of Green Gables (one of my favorite movies). In one scene, the imaginative orphan, Anne Shirley, and her potential adopter, Marilla Cuthbert, walk together along a country road while discussing some of Anne’s past experiences. Anne divulges that in her last home, she invented “Katie” – a window friend who became the only “person” to stick by her as she moved in and out of orphanages. Upon hearing this, Marilla responds that she doesn’t think Anne should have imaginary friends anymore; that she’s too old to have a “window friend.” Marilla then proposes that she meet Diana Barry, a young girl who lives close by Green Gables (Marilla and Mathew’s home, as it was called). Anne’s eyes pop with delight at the thought of having a real relationship. She’d always imagined what it would be like to have a real and true “bosom friend,” and this was finally her chance. As I lay on the couch smiling at Anne’s heartfelt reaction to Marilla’s suggestion, I did something rather peculiar: I pressed pause, closed my eyes and visualized the old lady spinster turning to me to say, “Neely, you’re too old to have pretend boyfriends anymore, I think you should seek out the real thing.” And you know what happened? My eyes popped too.
Neely Steinberg is a freelance
writer and a contributing
editor at nuts4chic.
Email her at neely@nuts4chic.com.
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See Also:
Confessions of an Internet Dating Junkie 
God, a Neaderthal and Hope
Left/Right Love
Missed Connections
Meeting Mr Right Now
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