How to Fall in Love with the Right Man
by Neely Steinberg
I know what you’re thinking: A how-to piece on falling in love? How could we ever control those feelings of bliss that, in a seemingly uncontrollable way, wash over our hearts? Furthermore, how could we ever choose who we love?
 While it would seem contrary to our long-held notions of love and romance, perhaps we need to believe, as Erich Fromm, the German-American psychologist believed, that “love is an act of will,” even a choice.
If we allow ourselves to look at the act of falling in love and loving someone as something that is, in part, within our control, we have a better chance of finding meaningful and fulfilling relationships. Here are a few ways that we can help ourselves when it comes to matters of the heart.
- Recognize your patterns.
Are you the type that always seems to fall for the wrong or unattainable guy? Make a list of all the men you’ve dated. Do you see any patterns? Talk to a psychologist about your patterns with men and endeavor to break these unhealthy behaviors and choices. Remember, it’s a struggle to recognize and shatter years of conditioning, but the hard work is worth it because you will ultimately allow yourself to fall in love with someone who has the potential to make you truly happy.
- Date the nice guy.
There’s a well-known secret among older, single women (usually in their upper twenties and in their thirties). The secret is this: Nice guys finish first. After years of dealing with jerks and “bad boy” types, women realize that the man who they really want to fall in love with is dependable and trustworthy. You can bypass years of frustration and despondency by allowing that somewhat nerdy but kind fellow who has been after your affections into your life.
- Stay true to yourself.
When you do start to date someone new, keep tabs on yourself at all times. Have your passions, goals, and dreams remained intact since dating this man, or have they slowly begun to fall to the wayside either because you’re overly focused on his life or because he’s dismissive and disrespectful of your ambitions? You want to fall for a guy that cherishes your dreams as much as you do his.
- Lust or love?
Far too often, a woman will mistake a man’s lust for love, and she assumes that by having sex, his feelings will deepen for her. Be honest with yourself and try to discern his intentions. If you allow yourself to fall in love with a man who merely has lustful motives, you will pay for your error in judgment with a broken heart.
- Are you a good fit?
A classic mistake that many women make is
spending way too much time focusing on the ways they would be good for
the man of their affections. Instead, try spending more time figuring
out how this man would be good for you, and better yet, how you both
would be good for each other. You should only allow yourself to fall in
love with someone who brings out the best in you.
The belief that we don’t choose who we fall in love with is a fallacy. Take the woman who always seems to chase after a non-committal man. While she may consciously believe that she’s just unlucky in love, in reality, she’s probably subconsciously choosing to pursue men of this character.
We CAN make better choices in our own love lives, and rather than view ourselves as victims of circumstance, we can take matters into our own hands and view our fate in love by what we make of it. If we choose wisely, it may mean the difference between continual dating disappointments and lifelong happiness.
Neely Steinberg is a contributing editor and writer for nuts4chic. You can email her at neely@nuts4chic.com
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