In such an irregular introduction there is no such thing as "rising above" your circumstances and giving a warm greeting. Avoid eye contact with the woman deservedly deemed better than YOU and keep your eyes to the floor like the revolting and rejected cum bucket you are.

2) Hide your filthy ass. At all costs, tell only your closest friend at this soured gathering why you're hiding on the balcony and do not draw attention to yourself if you hope to avoid profuse bitch- slapping. Hiding away like a filthy troll under a bridge will make it easier to avoid eye contact with the woman who wants to pull all of your blonde hair out until you are bald and look more appropriate as a creepy old man in that wifebeater you don't have the breasts to fill anyway. It's a good idea to imagine yourself a flat-chested antelope in hiding, while just around the corner waits a blood- thirsty lioness who will stop at nothing to tear your throat out.

3) No matter how drunk you are on those fruity "shots" you and your badly dressed fag have been preparing (wallflowers always blossom into fag-hags), DO NOT whisper into the ear of your ex! I cannot stress this DON'T enough! This will result in the quick removal of your head, which will be replaced with a great pile of feces. Your trailer-trash parents will not even have a disease-ridden carcass to bury after all the kicking renders you a pile of unlovable pulp.

Whispering into the ear is an incredibly intimate gesture, and even if you didn't deserve to die a painful and embarrassing death just for having tried to take my purse to your friends room (no doubt so you could rob me and buy laxatives), everyone will agree that you deserve to die underneath my kickin-boots after this last offense.

4) Do not whisper to your pack of Hot Topic lovin' fags about the woman you were dumped for. Just because she is the WINNER of not just the man who drunkenly fucked you, she also won the Jumping On One Leg Contest in Kindergarten which started her spree of stomping and kicking wannabe-actresses like YOU to death. Talk to your friends - the only DULL gay men in all of New York - about your waitressing career, or how much you enjoy dressing just like everyone else!

5) Do NOT offer the girl you wish you were a DRINK. You will pull back a bloody stump, if you pull back anything at all.

DOs

1) Do LEAVE!

2) Do contemplate suicide!

3) Do wear mascara because you're plain!

4) Do smoke a lot of pot on the balcony, gaining the acceptance of other dull losers like yourself, until you feel gravity's call (whispered in your ear) and plummet over the railing!

Hopefully you grasped this correct conduct without the aid of diagrams or hand puppets for your borderline-retarded ass. But if you didn't, rest assured that I'm still going to grab you by the hair the next time we pass on the street and give your skull some serious Hammer Time - I'm sure you've built up a healthy tolerance since your pimp beat you UN-pregnant anyway!