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Too much, too young?

by Lisa Haynes

Britney Spears and Reese Witherspoon both married young but have hit the headlines recently by announcing their respective divorce plans. The experts discuss the pitfalls of marrying young and give advice about surviving a rough patch.

When Britney Spears said 'I do' during a drunken night out in Las Vegas, her infamous 55-hour marriage to childhood pal Jason Alexander caused a media storm and shocked the showbiz world. Nine months later, 22-year-old Britney waltzed down the aisle again to wed dancer Kevin Federline. But after a turbulent two years of marriage their recent split has surprised few people - except for Kevin himself who reportedly discovered the divorce news via text message from his wife.

Britney and Kevin aren't the only couple set to deal with the divorce
courts. Hollywood golden couple Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe also recently announced their separation, after seven years of marriage.

Reese and Ryan met on her 21st birthday; worked together on the 1999 movie Cruel Intentions, married that year and had their first child four months later.

"Obviously, this isn't the time in my life that I would have chosen to
do this," she admitted at the time.

They may not have much in common despite their high profile careers but both Britney and Reese tied the knot in their early 20s. Marrying young may conjure up romantic notions, but is it a good idea if you want to grow old and grey together?

:: YOUNG HEARTS RUN FREE

Over the past few decades people have prolonged taking their wedding vows until later in life. The average age for first marriages in England and Wales in 2004 was 31 for men, and 29 for women, according to the ONS.

"There are different pressures on younger marriages now than ever
before," explains Clare Spurrell, iVillage.co.uk relationship expert.

"Both Britney and Reese show how the roles of men and women in marriage have changed in modern society. Both women were more successful than their husbands, the higher earners, and this can be confusing to men who have grown up in a more traditional environment, where the man is the main breadwinner."

The bad boy you tamed in your teens may have been the apple of your eye 10 years ago but women's priorities can alter radically as they grow older, Spurrell says.

"It's believed that women change emotionally and adjust their priorities more than men do throughout their lives - partly because they have to adapt to more biological and psychological changes, be it puberty, pregnancy or menopause.

"Younger women today are more driven and career-oriented than ever before, and so many find that the priorities and goals they have in their early 20s can be completely different as they approach 30, and then change again during their 30s."

:: AVOIDING TEETHING TROUBLES

Britney Spears is now 24 years old with two failed marriages and two
young children on her life CV. But the "irreconcilable differences"
cited on her divorce papers to Kevin Federline may be down to the
potential pitfalls of a marrying young.

"So often couples can merely 'grow out' of each other, as many of the
promises and commitments they made at the beginning of the marriage no longer fit into their new life goals or ideals," says Spurrell.

"Not being able to grow and change together can be difficult. In an age where both partners often work, jealousies can easily creep in should one partner become more successful than the other. Also, as more people delay marriage, those that marry young can feel like they are missing out on the single life, and can feel alienated from their single friends."

:: 'TIL DEATH DO US PART

Despite the soaring divorce statistics, it seems we're not falling out
of love with the idea of marriage. It's estimated seven in 10 families
are still headed by a married couple, and multiple attitude surveys show that young people are as keen as ever to become a Mr and Mrs.

"I don't think the motivation for marriage has changed at all," says
Relate relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall. "The vast majority of people marry because they want to live happily ever after with that person, 'til death do us part."

But whatever your age, groundwork on both parts is required to make a happy-ever-after marriage. Before Reese Witherspoon announced her split, she confessed: "I don't feel I have a Hollywood marriage, I just have a marriage, there are good days and bad days. I think any marriage is a challenge."

Hall says: "Potentially young couples may need to grant each other a
little more freedom to get out there in the world and do their thing -
see friends or pursue a career, for example. People marrying in their
30s are more likely to have already done their thing.

"In some respects younger couples have less baggage, which is an
advantage but then you also have less experience of other relationships and how they work."

:: MAKE UP OR BREAK UP

You were once in the throes of passion but now your relationship has hit the buffers in a big way. It's not unusual for relationships to hit a
rough patch, whether you're 16 or 60. So what are the warning signs?

"Lots of unresolved arguments and differences, or the big one, growing indifference," Hall says.

"Identify whether or not this 'normal' and what all couples go through or whether this is relevant to your age and how long you've been married.

"Show a willingness to change, adapt and grow together - all couples
have to do this, but perhaps more so if you marry younger. More
importantly, keep communication open and talk about your dreams, hopes and expectations for the future."

When things are tough and you're at the end of your tether, it might
seem like a break-up or split is looming. But younger couples often have an advantage when it comes to resolving their differences, Hall says.

"If you're going around in circles and not resolving things for
yourselves, ideally seek counselling. Young couples are much more likely to seek counselling if they're going through a bad patch. They are often a lot more open to relationship education and better ways of ironing out their problems."

:: For more information on marriage counselling visit www.relate.org.uk or call 0845 456 1310

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