Let the man get to know YOU and not just your vagina. Neely Steinberg explores our sex life and the reasons why we jump into bed so quickly. Should we wait more and establish intimacy first? Read more

The age of sexual desensitisation is upon us. Just the other day, I was shopping on Newbury Street at a hip new clothing store. Adorning the walls and dressing rooms of this establishment were breast and crotch shots galore. Literally, as I was trying on a shirt, a man’s package was staring me in the face. But sex isn‘t just in the clothing stores; it‘s on the television, on the radio, and even in the Cosmopolitan‘s of the world that nonchalantly tell us about “the sex tips that will have men begging for more.” Indeed, our society and consequently our daily lives have become so saturated with sexual innuendo and sexual images, that we no longer take sex itself seriously.

This fairly recent cultural attitude adjustment has seeped its way into our very own bedrooms and personal lives and has, to be sure, affected our own thoughts and behaviors surrounding sexual interactions with the opposite sex. The days of “waiting to have sex until marriage” have become an antiquated notion. Though many may admire those who choose to abstain until married life, few actually embrace the idea, and most dismiss it as impractical and unrealistic. And while admittedly, my own attitude towards sex in the past has been somewhat laidback, I have been born anew. Yes, just as Judy Garland was born a star, I have been re-born a virgin. I feel like singing and dancing.

Wait for the right time to have sex.

So what you may ask was the catalyst for such a bold decision? I had recently been involved in a rather unhealthy romantic entanglement. After a year or so of “dating” this man, I finally had to admit to myself that the relationship would never move past the physical level. Amidst the heartbreak, I spent much time self-reflecting and asking myself important questions. What good can come out of a relationship that is based on sex? Why was I so quick to jump in the sack with this person? Why hadn’t I spent more time developing the other levels of our connection (maybe there were none)? Did I really think that a physical connection would lead to intimacy on other levels? The answers to these questions led me to my current resolve.

Get to know the person you're in a relationship with.

Too much physical intimacy early on in a relationship and the ever popular “one-night stand” can wreak havoc on a woman’s mental well-being and her self-worth, especially if the woman never hears from the man again. While I have never had a one-nighter, I am all too-familiar with the frustrations and despondency that have resulted from my friends’ encounters with one night stands and my own experiences with getting intimate too quickly. I don’t care what you say, no woman truly enjoys a one-night stand. The only results that I have witnessed from a tryst of this sort have been regret, second-guessing, insecurity, emotional despair, emptiness, and physical anxieties (STDs, pregnancy, etc). The reason for the prevalence of these emotions is quite simple. Women are not men and certain differences between the sexes have been inherent since the beginning of humanity itself.

So how did we get to this point, where crotch shots on the walls of clothing stores reign supreme and sexual promiscuity is the norm and fast becoming the “thing to do?” Fast forward from the time of homo erectus to the sexual liberation movement of the 1960s and 70s. Many feminists of the day (though not all) were espousing sexual emancipation for women. We could have sex like men did, they shouted. We should unleash our inner sluts, they argued. Little did they know that these progressive and defiant sentiments would later backfire on the very people they were trying to empower. Even Gloria Steinem once said, when discussing the topic of sex in a 1995 Mother Jones interview that, “defiance is not progress.”

And while I’m not saying we should withhold all sexual contact with a man we would like to get to know better, I would argue that at the very least, saving the final act of consummation until you’ve established a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, emotion, and communication, seems to me to be a wise and prudent decision. Let the man get to know YOU and not just your vagina, right Gloria?